The Barbarian Guide to Diet and Exercise


Why Should I Ride A Bike to Nowhere?

by Susan K Grandys
Part-Time Barbarian
Part-Time Insufferably Beautiful Thing

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I counted them. There are 5,437,289 different diet and exercise plans. They only have one thing in common. They're wrong!!!!! There is only one way to lose weight. That way is the Barbarian Beauty Plan. Just follow the tips listed below without fail:

  1. Buy all the diet books you can find. Make a big pile out of them. Set them on fire. Might as well have a bar-b-que while you're at it.
  2. There is only one way to take up jogging. Light firecrackers under mooses until they get real mad. You'll get all the exercise and excitement that you need.
  3. Repeat over and over again: "Vegtables are food, Vegtables are food, well...they might be food, er...vegtables might possibly be food...on a really good day if you shut your eyes and hold your nose, heck!"
  4. To keep from overeating...don't eat any convenience food. This means anything you can go to a store to buy. Only eat things you have to hunt down or pick or dig up. This uses up an amazing amount of time to find, prepare and cook...You may just decide you are not hungry, rather than go to all that bother.
  5. For a firmer, more youthful men!!!! If you catch any, well, all the better! (See 9.)
  6. To look thinner, wear money. No one will ever notice your body.
  7. Yogurt is not food. Don't worry about it.
  8. Eat meat, not Twinkies.
  9. Sex is exercise.
  10. Dance.
  11. Fall in love.
  12. If all else fails, feed everyone you know lots of chocolate until they look just like you.

Diet recipes are depressing and no fun to cook...they never contain chocolate. I prefer the following recipe:

Barbarian Chocolate Chip Cookies

Some Flour
Some Sugar
Some Eggs
Pinch Salt and Baking Soda
Lots of Butter
Gobs of Chocolate Chips
Nuts, Coconut, and anything else you can find to throw in

Toss all ingredients. Grab fistfuls of dough and throw on flat metal surface. Bake for a few minutes or until they can't wait any longer. You can eat lots of dough while waiting for them to cook, or you can skip the cooking step altogether and just eat.